Gary Direnfeld is a Social Worker who has helped many a relationship work.  He was also the host of ‘Newlywed, nearly dead’ a reality TV show that ran for 65 episodes from 2006 to 2010 and continues to be watched in re-runs.  He had the freedom to speak his mind and address behaviour as he saw it. Which is why his personality came through and the show resonated with Canadians. The South Asian News is pleased to feature him for the first time in an exclusive interview where he shares great insight. Our recommendation; please cut and kept this for future reference.  Or stick it on your refrigerator.

What are your views about the current divorce situation in North America?  What statistics can you possibly share of couples’s marriages falling apart?

This is actually a complex question. In Canada, census data (2004, 2005) suggests there are about 70,000 divorces annually. What that census data doesn’t well reflect is the newer phenomenon in divorce known as gray divorce. This refers to the boomer generation as the fastest growing divorcing population. This is mostly female led and reflects the fact that after years in an unsatisfying marriage, people of the boomer generation, mostly females, are deciding not to ride out the remainder of their lives in unsatisfying relationships. Also, because of the age of this group, many are not inclined to attend counseling. Of those who I see in counseling, many are surprised at how learning to communicate and resolve issues can lead to a satisfying relationship.

And while we are still on the same page, what are the deadliest sins couples commit that makes them drift apart?

In my book, Marriage Rescue: Overcoming ten deadly sins in failing relationships, I highlight my view of the top ten issues contributing to marital discord. To summarize: There are the sins of the parents vested on the adult children; sins of the present; problems with boundaries; addictions in all their many forms; and violence. So in many of these situations, when examining one’s past, it is not uncommon to see issues between the previous generation cropping up in the current relationship. We learn how to get along and relate to others from our own parents and family of origin. We take those learning’s into our current relationship. Some people as a result, are poorly equipped with the skills of intimate adult living.

Regardless of what is happening on the surface, many people need to learn to listen, empathize and attune themselves to the impact they have on others, as well as to the needs of others. This can be addressed and taught in the context of couple therapy, assuming they have the will to do so with openness, and to be self-reflective.

Considering love is the most misunderstood word in a relationship.  What are your thoughts?

For me, love is more of an action word as opposed to a feeling. As we act lovingly, we are more apt to be perceived as loving and such behaviour is more apt to be reciprocated. The act of loving in an intimate relationship requires us to subordinate our needs to the interests of our partner. The degree, to which both persons in the partnership can do this, both will experience satisfaction from the other. This is what is seen as caring behaviour. Having said that, as a feeling state, one can never assume that one’s partner instinctively knows they are loved by the other. This is something that needs to be said out loud. We must tell our partner as well as our children, out loud, that we love them. To the degree to which we express this in words directly, our partner and our children feel valued and of worth. This strengthens relationships and ones sense of being able to act in the greater world with confidence.

What about healthy sex?  How often, and what are the benefits in strengthening a relationship?

Sexual fidelity adds to the specialness of one’s relationship. Sex is also a biological necessity. Although a biological necessity, like any other biological need, there will be individual differences and individual appetites. As a result, not all couples are on the same page sexual in terms of frequency of desire and means of expression. To add, sexual responsiveness will wax and wane with age, health and life stresses. Sex for as much as it is seen in the media and talked about, is still an uncomfortable topic for many people. The challenge is to overcome one’s discomfort talking about the subject with one’s partner and discuss differences and preferences with a view to learning how to best meet each others needs and expectations. Sexual intimacy is also related to emotional intimacy. The degree to which a couple learns to discuss all issues between them, safely and forthrightly, the emotional connection strengthens and this lends itself to greater sexual desire.

Do you have any opinions or suggestions on arranged marriages as opposed to couples living together and then deciding to get married?

What is not understood or appreciated by people in the west and at times now first generation offspring of immigrant parents, is that parents take the arranging of their children’s marriage seriously. As parents we all want our children’s relationships to succeed. Parents, seeking to arrange their child’s marriage do look for compatibility—socially, educationally and economically. In an arranged marriage, parents on both sides are invested in supporting the union. They are there to direct their children to resolve issues and adjust to each other as any new couple must. Parents in cultures where arranged marriage is the norm also understand and appreciate that an intimate connection comes from developing a shared history in a caring and mutually supportive relationship. With all the research and social science research, I am of the view there is still nothing to suggest that between a love marriage and arranged marriage, one is necessarily better than the other in terms of satisfaction and stability. What continues to matter significantly to satisfying and stable marriages, is a couples’ ability to set mutual goals and resolve conflict peacefully.

The word ‘divorce’ is no longer taboo, but it does take a toll on the lives of others.  According to you, how should nascent minds and youth deal with this situation when parents decide to separate?

Parents in the midst of a troubled relationship can lose sight of the impact of their troubles on the well being of their children. Rarely do children want their parents to separate. More to the point, if the parental relationship is troubled, the child’s wish is for the parents to resolve their issue to continue to live peacefully together.

Children also see themselves as half of each parent. To that end, when parents separate, children feel ripped in two. Parent may intensify that sense of being ripped in two, particularly if bad-mouthing each other to the child; using the child as a messenger or spy or confident; or withholding or undermining the child’s relationship with the other parent (assuming no harmful abuse).  As best as possible, it remains a parental responsibility to remain civil with your co-parent and resist exposing the child to the parental issues and conflict. When parents spill out onto their children and do not appropriately contain their issues, this creates distress, anxiety, depression and hardship for the child.

It is always preferred that the parents get counseling themselves to address these issues should they arise. Second to that, then the children may enter into counseling if the parents can agree on such and if the parents can resist intruding on the child’s relationship and communications with the counsellor. In counselling, children may learn to separate themselves from both parents in a means of self-survival and to set boundaries for their parent’s intrusive behaviour when the parents cannot resist such behaviour themselves.

What does a normal day look like to you as a social worker? 

I am fortunate to love what I do. I wake up most mornings pleased to work and pleased to be of service to others. I typically begin by seeing people at their worst and then from our work together, they leave when doing better. This is very satisfying.

I also have the privilege of hearing many life stories, life stories that have been marked by violence, abuse and addictions. Very often, due to the nature of my approach, people are making first disclosures of serious traumatic earlier life experiences. I think because I am comfortable hearing such stories it gives people the freedom to tell their stories more openly. This leads to their emotional healing which is very satisfying to me as a person and social worker.

Are there more cultures prone to getting separated than others?

Canada has always been multicultural. However, we differentiate between two styles of multiculturalism. One style is described as a mosaic, where each culture lives independent to the other, as was seen in Toronto when I was raised there. The city was organized by ethnicity. There was the Jewish part of town, the Greek part of Town; Italian; Portuguese; Asian; South Asian; etc. Merely crossing a road could take you to another ethnic group.

The other style is described as a melting pot. In the melting pot we see people from a multitude of cultures occupying the same community.

Toronto has changed and has moved significantly from being a mosaic to being as much a melting pot. This shift in how ethnic groups are organized in communities gives rise to more cross-cultural relationships. This is a whole new world, particularly in the hands of first and second generation Canadians. This can in some instances create family tension and strife because the cultural experiences of the immigrant parents are so different from the cultural experience of first and second generation children. Many parents fear a loss of one’s culture in the upcoming generations. These differences impact marriage and can destabilize a couple on top of other cross-cultural adaptations that must be achieved. While all cultures are affected by higher divorce rates, those in cross-cultural relationships have other potential hurdles to overcome.

Given that in the end, we as parents all want our children to succeed and experience satisfying and stable relationships, the challenge is upon us to support our children’s relationships and learn to adjust ourselves. The degree we can do so, we can then maintain our relationships with our children and grandchildren to come.  We must be supportive, flexible, adaptive. Our legacy is carried through them.

Mine is not a profession for the faint of heart. We walk headlong into other people’s problems and must not lose our way in the process. Given I have been doing this work for more than 30 years; I now have the added pleasure of hearing from adults, whose lives I helped as children. It is very satisfying to help nudge the trajectory of one’s life path into a better direction, child or adult.

Jude Paul Fernandes / jude@thesouthasiannews.com