This is a recent statement made by the present head of the Central Board of Film Certification of India, Mr. Pahlaj Nihalani in an interview to a national newspaper. No stranger to film censorship, Pahlaj himself has made money out of vulgarity and objectionable dialogues in many of the films he produced, or directed in the past. Acting rather sanctimonious he considers himself to be the pavitra-paapi (if such a term could exist except as a Bollywood film) of India’s moral backdrop. He’s often put his foot in his mouth by making statements about Sunny Leone’s past and how online videos of her could corrupt young minds. But it’s really his scissor-happy hands that are making everybody squirm, sigh, and swear (and I can bet you that those are some expletives he wouldn’t want to hear) in their seats. Consider this for instance: A minute of a kissing scene is deleted from ‘Spectre’. That’s true; Bond cannot pucker and kiss with the beautiful Monica Bellucci or the French vixen Lea Seydoux. And while all of the citizens of planet twitter in India—from the crows to the sparrows to the pigeons to the parrots—may have chirruped their lungs out, nothing was resolved. Poor Bond, his machismo and sex appeal was left utterly maligned by the Indian censors—in 60 seconds!

Then there was the film about female bonding ‘Angry Indian Goddesses’ that was premiered across the world including the Toronto Film Festival last year that got into trouble. Up to 15 cuts were demanded and the producers and director had to comply. Currently the film has been picked up by Mongrel Media and will make its debut in North America with all of its pride intact. However watching it in a Mumbai cinema was an entirely different experience because of the cuts—the film appeared jumpy and the muted dialogues annoying (swear words, a parody of a woman’s organism, and the description of the male form being beeped out). Also images of an angry Indian goddess (Kali, with all of her teeth bared) are glossed over (because it might hurt Indian sentiments, was the excuse given by the censors). This was a film that needn’t have been ‘raped’ by censorship. A film about female empowerment and sisterhood that has a powerful voice obviously needed the better judgement of the jury.

To cut back to logic, films in India are given the following ratings: A (For Adults Only and the equivalent of an 18A and R rating), UA (for 12 years and above, and the equivalent of a 14A or PG-13) and U (which stands for Parental Guidance or General rating in the West). Trying to get in to watch an ‘Adults Only’ film was a killer when I was growing up and a couple of times when I tried to snuck-in I was asked for my identity card (the college one that had my age on it). Up to this day, it is a tough call for the under-aged. Having said that I wonder why the censorship guidelines are so strict because if an underage person cannot get into the cinema why should the board of film censors be so sensitive? Why should they play moral guardians and create the entire ruckus? After all millions of South Asians have access to the internet where ‘censorship’ is a just a word in the thesaurus and little else. Whatsapp on smartphones has made porn easily accessible to people all over the country. I want to make a point here: I am not for glorifying anything that is addictive, and ultimately detrimental to the mind, and to society at large. However I stand for freedom of expression, and sometimes on film and in literature, it is a necessary evil. Mahesh Bhatt, Anurag Kashyap and Prakash Jha (whose ‘Jai Gangajal’ starring Priyanka Chopra also got into a wrangle with the CBFC but was passed by the Film Certification Appellate Tribunal in Delhi with 2 minor cuts) also state the obvious that the filmgoer is free to make their decision on what to watch, and what to avoid.

Having said that, I digress with the latest scatological abomination to hit cinemas last week called ‘Kya Kool Hai Hum 3’. Produced and released by Ekta Kapoor’s factory of relentlessly churning out ‘sex comedy and junk for the junta’ and promoted as ‘India’s first porn-com’ (whatever that means) the film is an abyssal journey into the depths of crappiness. So when the censors came down on it heavily and asked for 130 cuts and then settled for half that number that resulted in an editing job of up to 10-12 minutes of footage from the overall movie, I laughed harder at their comeuppance than any of the sick jokes in the film. And also at the fact that the target audience it was aimed at out-rightly rejected it.

Jude Paul Fernandes is the author of ‘Frost Bites’ and can be followed on twitter @judepaulferns