I’ve never experienced the fear of flying, and that is the truth. Even in the face of the 9/11 plane disaster, or the Malaysian Airlines one, or the numerous disasters that have taken place in the past five years or so, each and every time I’ve stepped into a plane I’ve said a prayer, looked heavenwards and have landed safely on terra-firma with just minor plane delays, and longer than usual wait-times. This is not an airline advertisement, or endorsement (If we had got paid for this article I would have plugged them endlessly, just like the brands brashly displayed in the James Bond films) so I will not mention any of the multiple carriers I have flown with. So you’ll just have to do your guesswork accordingly. But here are the places I’ve flown to: London, Mexico, Baltimore, Washington, New York, Chicago, Italy, Paris, Egypt, Israel, Dubai, Kuwait, and India.

So here’s my unbiased take on all the airlines, and I’ll compartmentalize them accordingly starting with the service at the airport. When dealing with airport attendants’ make sure that you are equipped with more than a smile because if you are overweight—I meant if your bags are—they will not spare you. They have perhaps been told by their bosses that this is the only way the airline can make money in today’s day and age, so like beagle-hounds (that sniff around for narcotics or contraband) these are the guys that sniff for bags that weigh more than the conventional 23 kgs. Who are the after: obviously the South Asians who stuff their suitcases with everything, and anything. Don’t believe me? Just look around at the groaning trolleys around you as you wait in line for your next trip to South Asia. Just make sure you wear ball guards and knee pads (like the football players do) because it’s likely that some rash driver of a cart will slam it against you—the balance of their luggage is so lopsided, that’s why they’re so out of control.

The flight attendants are no longer opting for supermodel status. I recall traveling to Paris and London and pardon my language I just couldn’t stop ogling at the stewardesses (that’s what they were called then). Nowadays, the job isn’t on the ‘flying high’ list of beautiful women however there are some airlines who will go that extra mile to provide beauty, brains and hospitability beyond compare. One of the world’s most dependable airlines had an up to 6-month training program for their employees. They used to also serve authentic black caviar and foie-de-gras on their menus. Not any longer.

Is the seating any better? Except for the larger planes, it’s just got a lot more congested especially in economy. The only better alternatives available in that section are the seats near the doors, and unfortunately near the washrooms. On a long haul flight you may get the leg space, however you may require a clothes pin (for your nose). Business class is overrated as you may get the leg room but still feel cramped with your arms (it truly feels coffin-like).

Coming to the entertainment—that is by far the best deal you can get on the flight. In business class you get a larger screen too! Ever so often I have watched the latest Hollywood and Bollywood films, caught TV shows that I’ve missed and got to see global cinema like Italian, Spanish, Cantonese, Russian, and French movies. I love the ear plugs too as they obliterate the snoring sound of your fellow passengers, not to mention their screaming babies (that incidentally get soothed by the flight attendants more often than their birth mothers).

How about the lay-over and wait time? Duty-free shopping and browsing in airport lounges? Duty-free is actually a joke especially in the Dubai airport where it is touted to be the next best thing. On a recent trip, there were tones of Filipino salespersons trying to entice you with the latest perfume, cologne or eau-de-toilette, cell-phones, sunglasses and handbags. But if you quickly calculated the price in CAD, you’d probably get better bargains at a Niagara Falls shopping outlet. Or on online sites that can have things flown across to your doorstep superfast, and sometimes without shipping fees. The funniest signs at the Dubai airport were the ones for the washrooms that specifically said: Male Toilet and Female Toilet (If that’s how gender specific you can get, I wonder where that would leave Caitlyn Jenner).

Finally we get to the food. I still carry crisps, nuts, and dry fruits because food on an airplane (to me) is a mish-mash, hodge-podge of left over’s even if they say it comes from their best flight kitchen. It’s often exceedingly bland; the portions are ridiculously small, and the food smells of plastic. On business class they give you a menu card, a stainless steel fork and a spoon, and the food is served on a glass plate, however it is still tasteless. No wonder everyone tanks on the endless cheese on a platter, and the never-ending supply of alcohol. Burp!

Jude Paul Fernandes is the author of ‘Frost Bites’ and the upcoming novel ‘Lonely in Mumbai’. He can be followed on Twitter @JudePaulFerns