Gigi Hadid and Joe Jonas (of the Jonas brothers’ fame). Nick Jonas (that’s right! Joe’s brother) and former Miss USA Olivia Culpo. Amanda Seyfried and Justin Long. Sean Penn and Charlize Theron. Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Pitt. Britney Spears (what’s heartening is that the woman never gives up on finding the right guy and falling in love) and Charlie Ebersol. Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander.

Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield. Bradley Cooper and Suki Waterhouse. Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie. Michael Jackson and Brooke Shields. Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger (good old Arnold’s son). And the most talked about Hollywood break-up for all the wrong reasons: Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck.

Yes its official, all the aforementioned couples have drifted away from each other as night does from day, as summer does from winter. It’s not only celebrity stalkers and journalists who can spot an odd couple a mile away and lay bets on how fast these relationships will quickly result in break-ups. Celebrity hogs who watch Entertainment Tonight and closely shadow their favourite hero or heroine via gossip magazines, You Tube, the cinema and online will tell you that their matches are not necessarily made in heaven. And that wrong hook-ups and break-ups can be spotted way in advance of the actual denouement, announcement, PR release, whatever.

Celebrities constantly complain that the reason for their relationships’ heading for splits-ville is because they do not spend enough time together (but if you put it in common man’s lingo, which of us actually does? Everyone is super busy in today’s day and age). They also blame it on the paparazzi (we never get any privacy. Blah! Blah! Blah! In that case don’t sunbathe in the nude, and don’t do full-fledged tongue-to-tongue in public places. Remember the infamous Kareena-Shahid Kapoor kiss) and on being constantly shadowed by photo-hounds (that’s a pathetic lie because those same pictures are showcased by their publicity agencies on their Instagram profiles and Twitter handles. So much for the attempt to be private!)

The naked truth is that for the most part, celebrity lives are handled by unseen (to the public eye) people in power. It could the studio behind their latest film or TV show. It could be the publicity agents and marketing gurus who work for these studios.

Or it could be a revengeful girlfriend, or spouse out to get their money’s worth. Some of the detectives who are privately hired would have a lot more on tape than any nightcrawler.

This brings us to the latest split in Bollywood and that too after 6 years! The year after Katrina Kaif and Ranbir Kapoor moved into their penthouse apartment in upscale Bandra is the year they’ve decided to call it quits, and move out. Ranbir has moved back to his parents place, and Katrina has moved on — to the extent of having a midnight meeting with ‘old’ flame Salman Khan.

Irrespective of cousin Kareena’s repartee on a ‘Koffee with Karan’ chat show about Katrina being the girl Ranbir wants to marry, the couple themselves were silent on their relationship for the longest possible time. But let’s move on and hear what publicity and celebrity hounds (and celebrity stalkers) Sonu and Nina have to say about a much-talked-and debated-about relationship gone sour.

Sonu: “Arrey baba, it’s all Ranbir’s fault. He was always commitment phobic. Look at his past relationship with Deepika. She still loves him despite him ditching her and in ‘Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani’ and ‘Tamasha’ it clearly shows. She can’t hide her hidden affection for him, and trust me sweetie the camera tells no lies.”

Nita: “You shut-up okay. He’s a really good guy. Which man on earth embraces commitment, they all want to f#*k and go on to the next one. That’s common knowledge. Man is legendary a polygamous mammal. No, no I don’t agree with you. That Katrina deserves it, she was always looking for a sugar daddy, so she can go back to Salman for all I care.”

Sonu: “I think you’re overreacting as always. Ranbir is also a mama’s boy. You remember that Simi Garewal show that we watched together. All he was talking about was his Mummy. Chee, chee, all these Indian guys are so, so pathetic. Mummy, this, and Mummy that. No wonder they marry women who remind them of their mothers, and I’m sure his Mom will get him married to some village bumpkin, who is also a virgin to boot.”

Nita: “I wouldn’t mind marrying him. Only you know I’m not a virgin, and I know you’ll keep that secret. Anyway, this Katrina girl was too posh-spice for him. You know with this la-di-lah British accent, and it’s not even from London, but from Manchester, or Birmingham. I think he deserves better. I’m sure he’ll spot me, I’m his 111, Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander.001 admirer on Instagram.”

And on that note, they lose interest and move on to discuss Anushka Sharma and Virat Kohli.

(Jude Paul Fernandes is the author of ‘Frost Bites’ and can be followed on Twitter)