The day arrived when my brother moved to another city to start his first job. This happened right after our father had passed on. In the midst of this tragedy we were now saying goodbye to our brother. It was necessary, though, for he was starting a new phase in his life and mother would never stand in the way. However, fate was kind to my brother, for several years later he received an offer of a job in our hometown which was great since now he had married and ready to start a family. Thus it was full circle – leaving home for a new job then returning and living together with his family and our mother under one roof. Our ancestral home was once again the nerve centre of our family, just like in our grandparents’ time.

I have had innumerable conversations with people about children leaving home and settling on their own, in fact, it is taken as an unwritten rule in the west that reaching the age of eighteen somehow makes one independent, and if not they better hurry up.  Generally speaking it is expected they move out, set out on their own. At times even forced to move out.  I suppose this means growing up in a rush.

Somehow I find it difficult to wrap my head around this concept, (that’s my “Indian-ness” for want of a better term) – why would a male or female, for the sake of argument we will say unattached, be expected to move out of the family home? How does this become the most important issue? Turning 18? 19? 20? 21?….finding a job? Because society in the west dictates?

I argue – children don’t ask to be born, so when they are brought forth into this world shouldn’t parents live up to their responsibility? The sort of responsibility that should not end because the child has attained majority? I refuse to bow to this general trend. I accept that at times children cannot wait to move out, so they choose to leave home. It is a decision they have made and parents will have to respect their decision.

Then the arguments start all over again – don’t you want your son/daughter to be independent? Well, yes, but not like this – they should not be forced to leave home.

It is one of the gifts of life when grown children live at home with parents. After all, the family home is home to all of the members in a family. I suppose then, in this context my husband who lived at home until the day he immigrated would not be called independent. This begs the question – how did we, who had never lived away from home, manage at that young age to build a life in a foreign land? We have to remember and recognize that human beings, by nature, are extremely resilient and highly adaptive so then is it any wonder that we made it okay? Sure there were hiccups along the way but the lessons we had learned living at home where we had to share living space, pitch in when the need arose, respect the other person’s privacy, be there in times of laughter and sorrow only made us stronger. It prepared us to have a family of our own.

One of the great joys of living with grown children is then we get to know them, I mean, really and truly know them.  Perhaps by this time parents have retired and even if they are still working there is time to chat, get to know their friends, invite them to join in at the dinner table. No longer is there a mad scramble to drop kids off to school/babysitter/daycare, pick them up after a stressful day at the office; then put dinner on the table and gulping down dinner, dash out once more in some cases to and from after-school activities.

It is good to know that one can depend on one’s grown children living at home, for things can and do go wrong sometimes. As during an illness. Recently, when I fell ill and it was taking me an inordinately long time to get back on my feet,  it was our son who made sure I had breakfast (prepared by him) before he rushed off to work. This he did happily every morning. When I tried to protest for I wasn’t used to being looked after by my child quite forgetting that now he’s grown up, he said it was his turn to look after me. Well, that shut me up! I decided to accept his help with grace.

I am used to seeing sons continue to live with parents after marriage, it is quite common in India. Joint families are still very much alive and with good reason. This is a wonderful way to live in the ancestral home and for grandchildren to get to know their grandparents, and vice versa.

Of course, if children want to leave the nest and strike out on their own they must do so. I am glad, however, that we as human beings have been given a choice, in contrast to other species in the animal kingdom where the young ones are forced to fend for themselves at a given time.

Keep Well…..Keep Smiling

Purabi Das