My beloved and I are celebrating our 15^th wedding anniversary this month.  There have been the ups and downs, the win-win, and the lose-all, the quarrels, arguments and patch-ups.  Trust me being a guy I’ve gone through it all—I know what it means to shut-up, or speak-up.  After a decade and half, I have the temerity or audacity—call it whatever you want—to give men the advice they will not find in any ‘to-do’ manual, from any guide, or from any other man, or woman for that matter.  The reason I say this is because I have gone through the phase of “To forgive is to forget.”  I also mean well; I want your relationship to last a lifetime, and beyond.  So follow these golden rules, some of which may be new, some you’ve already experienced before.  Above all, listen, and clean up those ears filled with wax, and yell for all your worth—like a hockey, basketball or hockey fan because you’ve nailed it.

Rule # 1:  Praise your woman when she’s in earshot.  At a party, or a barbeque with friends, when she’s yakking away with her girlfriends while you are with your buddies. Keep this in mind; her ears are 24-hour, 365 days attuned to what you’re saying.  Let your radio waves catch her antenna loud and clear.  Let your praise—even if she made ‘burnt lasagne’ the day before, be appreciative…

Rule # 2:  Talk good things about her with your Mum-in-law.  Don’t try to be a hypocrite, because she will detect that.  Be genuine, be appreciative, and generous.  Now here’s what will actually happen.  Your wonderful mother-in-law will amplify what you’ve just told her, she will exaggerate it over and above to her darling daughter.  You know women do that.  Good for you—your wife will not suffer from a headache, or not be in the mood in the days to come.

Rule # 3:  When she needs to vent, just learn to hear her out.  She doesn’t need your smarty-pants advice.  Just have a lot of empathy, that’s the only thing you need to retain your relationship with her.  Treat her like you would a friend who just wants to spill it all out—and play dumb.  None of your expert advice is required here—it’s a bathroom leak, not the kitchen faucet.  Clever guy, you got the drift.

Rule # 4:  Don’t play games with her.  She wants you to be the man of the house. Maintain that position.  Never joke about your status by either being sarcastic, or think that you’re funny when you say “Oh, she’s the Boss!  I don’t do anything without the Bosses orders.”  Hey, stop being a wimp, and retain the status of being the head of the household.  She will respect you a lot more—and you’ll quit passing snide remarks.

Rule # 5:  Sure, there are plenty of fish in the pond.  The world doesn’t fall short of depicting nude women, in 2-piece bikinis, or in gowns that leave nothing to the imagination.  Keep your eyes focussed on the woman at your side.  Be loyal, be faithful, wag your tail at times, it’s okay. But never let her catch you with your tongue hanging out, especially when it comes to chasing other women.  Moral of the story: Be a one-dog woman, sorry, got that wrong—be a one-man woman. Fidelity is the key.

Rule # 6:   Be the best you can be to her—especially in front of people she loves (her parents, the kids, grandparents, sisters, brothers, close friends).  Always. I can’t stress this enough, always say good things about her.  Share memories, experiences, escapades, keeping her alive in the conversation.  You can’t even begin to imagine where this will take your relationship to.  Heard about a 7^th Heaven?  You’re pretty close.

Rule # 7:  It’s never the roses, or chocolates, champagne, or truffles that will keep your mate smiling.  When you’re past the high school dating, and the proms, it’s the kindness you express that will be like jewels to her.  The bouquets of flowers will be in the trust, openness and reliability you share.  The things that she desires of you most are: your sincerity, your ability to keep your word, punctuality, keeping secrets.  Being a good kisser, no salivating—that’s a bonus.

Rule # 8:  Hold your woman—women need their men to be demonstrative—especially when it comes to hand holding, waist grasping, a shoulder massage (Be delicate here, don’t get carried away with your fat fingers), Good Morning kisses on her cheeks, hugs, kisses again, even a hand on her shoulder when you’re out on a walk.  Don’t reserve yourself for the cottage, or the vacation.  This is an everyday affair, with a woman you love.  And when everything else refuses to work, at least the warmth of your hands, and heart will.

 

 

 

 

[Jude Paul Fernandes is the author of ‘Frost Bites’ which is available at the Toronto Public Library.  He is currently working on a novel ‘Lonely in Mumbai’ and can be followed @JudePaulFerns]